At last, my long-awaited write-up ! My friend, if you can drive in Lagos, especially on the mainland, then man mi, you can drive anywhere! New York ko, New Dawn ni! Well, I guess my topic kinda explains it all, No? Before I began driving, I knew getting behind the wheels in Lagos was quite stressful, even as a passenger I always could strongly sense an aggravated increase in the stress level of every and anybody driving a vehicle I was in. I have taken time to identify some of the things that personally piss me off, as a driver commuting in and around Lagos.

* The First Category will be what I call “The Sireners”

First and foremost will be the bullion vans from hell! I mean… come on! These guys are as reckless as they come, right? It is bad enough that these bats from Hades intimidate all and sundry off their paths, driving like maniacs simply because they have money to deliver (Well, not all the time as a story readily comes to mind of the sergeant in Ibadan who was sent to get some “Amala” for his boss. He got behind the wheels of a bullion van, turned on the siren, drove recklessly till he rammed into a brand new Mercedes Benz C-Class! For once “jungle justice” wasn’t delivered and the guy was escorted back to the police station by some “concerned Nigerians”. The DPO told the angry mob that he knew nothing about it as he had only sent the fingerling to get him Amala and he should face the consequences of his actions. It was at this point that the angry mob descended on the serg and beat him black and blue, right there in the police station! Wonders of Our World (WOW))! These crazed men oftentimes face oncoming traffic at break-neck speed on the expressway and woe betide whoever stands in their way!

Lest I forget, the number of folks with police escorts these days is quite alarming! I mean, is it =N=20/day or what, for every Shade, Obinna and Musa to afford the luxury of police escorts?! Once I read somewhere and find this really amusing that the British High Commissioner in Nigeria has guess what? – A nine car convoy! Talk about acting like the Romans in Rome! Mr. Blair sef, when he pass me for Jand, na two-car convoy! Shish!

Did I mention that Mr. Biggs food delivery vans also drive like they have a prerogative to deliver food to the Saints in Heaven as well, by the way they maneuver through traffic? Na wah o! The bastardization and abuse of the priviledge that is associated with siren usage has made true emergencies somewhat drab and redundant. Anyway, I no vex too much. I’ve been in a police-escorted vehicle on a number of occasions and even though I must honestly admit it was fun, I was appalled at the way innocent people were almost run down simply because I needed to catch a flight!

* The “Okadians”

LOL! I once saw an “okada” man competing with a petroleum tank driver, telling him to come closer and see if he (the okadian) will not “jam” the tanker! Can you beat that?! I laughed myself silly! These guys are skilled in the art of annoying you to the very bone and coupled with the Bullioners and Sireners, we still have to contend with the okadians. Never assume for once that an okada driver is reasonable, you just have to think for them, Exercise a lot of patience (which definitely isn’t one of my virtues) and make sure your right foot is on the brake, ready to drop, whenever you have an “okada” within a 360 degree radius of you! It is amazing the way the “Espiri de corps a la Okada” manifests whenever any of them is involved in an accident. It matters not who is guilty, as long as an okada is involved then the car/bus/truck driver must be guilty! They gather in seconds, deflate tyres and give the non-okadian a sound beating or do whatever they deem fit to the unlucky soul. It is so vexatious and makes me want to pull out my hair in strands!

Why on earth do they install the horns meant for choo-choo trains in some Okadas? And the sound systems in others? DJ Jimmy Jat go just jealous die! Like the O J Simpson saga, these are mysteries we will never understand.

It is worthy of note here that our “fine boys” on power bikes should be careful o. A word is enough for the wise! Showing off your circus abilities might earn you a date in Igbobi o! Standing on your seat, while driving at top speed is for the stunts guys in Universal Studios o! Hen hen, don’t say I didn’t warn you o.

* The almighty Tanker and Truck drivers

This lot… Whoa! For want of a better thing to say! They park indiscriminately on the bridges – structures meant for temporary transit – and contribute to the degradation of our bridges. Once I was stuck on the same spot in Apapa for well over 4 hours only to discover that all the traffic lanes had been taken over by tankers queuing to get into the jetty. They have sent so many people to an early grave especially those that run – smack - into them when they break down in the middle of the night. God helps whosoever has a car behind a trailer/tanker while ascending a slope and vice versa!

* The Foot Paths called Roads!

Well, the funny thing is that the roads weren’t actually this bad as at 1999 when the present government came into power. In fact these roads became decidedly worse with the Ogunlewe administration. No no no, we definitely don’t have “pot holes” on the roads. I mean, these holes are wider and deeper than the kirikiri cooking pots. No, in my opinion, we have “dungeon holes” on our roa… I beg your pardon, footpaths! Nigeria has been said to have the highest rate of ATDs (Avoidable Traumatic Deaths) in the world and our wonderful footpaths contribute greatly to this.

Aside from that, rounding a very sharp corner at top speed can prove very dangerous as some little lady just might be sweeping the innumerable sand on the roads that never seem to finish.
The road bumps….. Arrrrrggghhh! Police deterrents I call ‘em.

* Lunatics called learners

Whenever you see the “L” sign on any car, STEER CLEAR! If any accident happens, no matter how mild, you “the experienced one” will be the guilty one. Afterall, you saw the sign. I warn you, “L” indicates LUNATIC!

* Uncountable Traffic Officials

The fear of LASTMA, they say, is the beginning of (traffic) wisdom. Well, maybe true that. But when so many officials duplicate duties and for every 2 meters I move, I encounter the Federal Road Safety guys, VIO, FERMA, even KAI officials, harassing some motorist or the other, I cannot but wonder. Traffic Wardens haven’t been left out of the charade as well, as I have witnessed over and over these guys in orange, abi na yellow, deflate tyres for refusal to show drivers’ license on demand. WOW! (Wonders of Our World)
The illegal check points/road blocks mounted by mobile policemen nko?

* Hawkers, Area Boys, Pedestrians, Mad Men and Beggars

I have never seen so many people competing with cars in my life! I mean, roads are meant for cars, right?! But no be Lagos! Hawkers selling everything from Blood to Televisions sets and firewood, push their wares in your face without concern for their own safety and it is just disheartening. Although some of them turn out to be petty thieves in the evenings.

The “Area boys” – Wasted old men hiding….. Arrrrrggghhh Lemme just drop it.

Some of these so called “Mad men” aren’t really mad as there is this one around falomo round-about that sticks his head into people’s cars and threatens to throw-up in the car if he isn’t given money. Can you beat that?!

From cancer patients, to blind, pregnant, breast-feeding, crooning stars in the making, to the “fake oyinbos” from chad, to the ultimate mafia from up north, the beggar industry in Lagos is a multi-billion Naira one, if you ask me.

* Absence of Street lights

I wouldn’t dare to drive at night in Lagos! Simple reason being once the headlights from oncoming cars make contact with my eyes, I become as blind as a bat! The reverse however is the case whenever I am outside the country, simply because of the presence of operational street lights.

* Danfo / molue drivers, meat carriers, pepper seller carriers

Have you noticed that commercial bus/molue drivers simply make a left turn whenever they leave a bus-stop, even if there is no vehicle in front of them? My brother called my attention to this and it turned out to be true. They don’t mind the fact that you are coming towards them at 360 MPH. It’s your loss, not theirs. Also, remember that horns are meant for ….. well, everybody else but commercial bus drivers. They just simply are horn-deaf. Maybe not really sha. They ALWAYS hear the choo-choo cry of the okadians.

If you see the way meat is transported in Lagos, you’ll become a vegetarian. If you see the way peppers and vegetables are transported, then you’ll go on hunger strike. Anyway, that in itself is not the issue other than the fact that these mobile containers have “Crab Structures”. They move with their sides! You had better overtake only when you can clearly see the front and pay that no car is taking “one way”! Shish!

* Dirt

In heaps and mounds! We have ‘em in abundance! Calling on all recycling plants in the universe, Lagos Nigeria is a recycler’s haven! From “carry-go” to the cart pushers that dump refuse wherever they stop to pee, the abundance of crap is second to none.

* Others

CO2 emissions, Lack of adequate parking facilities, Perrenial floods, lack of safety, among others.

For sanity of mind, I will stop here. This has been a really long one and I am not one to complain if I don’t have something constructive to offer in return. In this particular instance however, I don’t have anything to offer. Ok, I lied, I do have a shit load of suggestions, but except OBJ reads my blog, I aint saying Nada!

All I wanted to say.
/Nunu.

My back hurts like crazy! :-( Simple reason being, I drive a Nissan Bluebird, 1991 Model and I happen to live in Lagos! :-(

There were two things in life I thought I would never ever achieve... Don’t ask me why in the world I would think so negatively in this era of universal possibilities! Well they are Swimming and Driving.

I simply cannot swim. I don’t know why. It's not like I am fat or stiff.... I am simply the-woman-that-cannot-swim! :-( I once went to Tarkwa Bay (A beach in Nigeria) with a couple of friends and after surviving riding with a snake charmer.... No! Wait! Now, I remember the hilarious story, he he! Pardon me for this digression.... We boarded the "speed boats" (More like "Speed logs/raft") at the "jetty" close to the American embassy and there was .... huh... lemme see... yeah... nine of us friends and this queer - looking fellow with a black plastic bag that kinda gave me the creeps (Like Anjelina Jolie). Anyway, despite the fact that we had to start praying in tongues before the engine grumbled to life, we were - yipee! - finally on our way!

Right in the middle of the Ocean, abi na Sea.... ok, probably Lake or plenty Puddle :P, the driver stopped the engine and asked us to pay him or he capsizes the boat... AT that point, I could have sworn I saw a pair of yellow sulphuric demonized eyes (thank you Frank Peretti) staring at us! Of course we all refused and told him to do his worst, with my voice being the loudest and wondering within me why on earth I hadn't bought my private Island in Dubai!

In defiance, the guy suddenly starts the engine, makes a detour (not like we knew where the fish we were) and started towards an oncoming vessel! Well, push had turned to shove, so omo men, me I begin beg o! I NO FIT SWIM! When we were within a really close range, all set for a head-on collision and I could have sworn I heard someone muttering "Pls accept my soul Jesus, even as I die", the guy makes another detour and again asks for his freaking money! Omo men, I became a conductor instantly! Owo da leyin nibeyen?! Afterwards, we were on our way again and we heaved a sigh of relief, thinking the worst was over. Suddenly, the creepy guy opened his plastic bag and guess what? He brought out a python and put it round his neck! I just passed out! I endured the final lap with goose pimples all over my body and being conscious of the “12th passenger”! We finally arrived at our destination and we scrambled for safety as soon as we could!

We got to the beach and after all the protocols had been observed, I settled down on a beach chair as my friends showed off their swimming skills. Suddenly, it hit me! What if my life depends one day on my ability to swim? So I decided to take a plunge and I literarily did. I saw the way my friends swam under and rode with the waves, so I followed suit. The next thing I remember was being dragged by the water and being flung (rather aggressively) out also! L Don’t ask me what happened or how it happened. I just found myself face-down on the shore, feeling sore all over. I saw one of my friends running towards me. I thought he had come to my rescue, only for him to mutter “abeg, don’t embarrass me” and he pulled up my trunks! It so happened that not only did the water throw me out; It carted away with my expensive pure silk Channel scarf and at the same time made me naked! Now now, I must add here that I am drop-dead gorgeous, thank you, thank you, so that was a very beautiful sight, BUT NOT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION!

When twilight came and we headed home, I noticed bruises all over my body and I made up my mind thereafter to go for a professional swimming course. Afterall, who knows, I might decide to be a part of the Indomie Ultimate Search, someday.

I can see my title seems somewhat redundant now, thanks to the power of digressionJ. Moreso, it is 1.46am and I am kinda beat. It has been a long day, so I would continue with my thoughts on the dilemma sometime soon.

All I wanted to say.